The Truth

A lot of people are saying that I used to be happy go lucky and cheerful before Greg, that I was.........different back then.

Here's the truth. The first message I sent to Greg was because the man I was with at the time was very verbally abusive and I wanted to know what I should do, so I messaged Greg.

When Greg and I started dating it was just after I had ended my 4 year relationship with my ex.

I was OKAY before my ex, I loved myself... I was happy with how I looked and how I acted, but ever since that relationship I have been scared of who I am.. I've hated the real Shiloh since that relationship.

I spent 4 years being told I wasn't good enough, yes I have changed.

Will I ever be myself again? I have no idea. I really wish Greg could know who I was before my ex, things would be a lot easier for us.

Don't let your first love ruin you, because you'll find someone you love even more than you ever imagined
and wish you never gave your soul and personality to the one before him....

I love Greg more than I have loved anyone, he will always be my one true love, I will fight for this man until I can't move anymore.

I think this says it all.

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want's to find an easy way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart, my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Thought's for my future.

When I was a little girl I always dream't of growing up, marrying a man I love with everything I have, and him loving me back the same way, having my own studio in my home and having horses on my property which conveniently sat in the middle of the mountains.

My life is coming together, my future is building itself right in front of my eyes. The man I love the most sits in front of me, the home of my dreams sits in front of me, my wedding, my horses, my music. Everything is coming together perfectly. And here I thought I would be alone and miserable for the rest of my life. My music is going the way I want it to, my relationship, my life, everything.

One thing, one outstanding thing is missing though.
Family.
Where is my family? I know they love me, I know they will always love me, but through all this drama they seem to have just vanished. I miss my family :/
It only consists of a few people but I miss them, I miss the love and support.
Have I lost them?
Please come back into my life family. I love you dearly.

As for everything else, I am truly happy in my life.
I'm engaged, I never thought I would ever get engaged HAHA >_> Highschool memories "No-one will ever like me wahhhhhhhh."
I am so ready for my future.
I am going to be getting married at my DREAM home for shit's sake. What more could I ask for?

I plan on building my own studio from the ground up, which should be quite fun.
Once it is done, I doubt anyone will hear from me for a little while, I will just huddle myself in my studio and never come out. :]

Well I'm not sure what else to say other than, thank you to my friends, family, and fans for helping me through the hard times. I appreciate everything you have done for me.

P.S. Mom & Dad: I love you guys so much... Mom - I wouldn't be the woman I am today if it wasn't for your strong influence, and teaching me to respect and love myself, I couldn't ask for a better mother, I love you.
Dad - We have had our rough patches but I know you love me more than anything in the entire world, I love you. We still need to go to dinner together, and go find smoke shisha <3

Two best parents I could ever ask for <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Plan's for my channel.

Hello everyone, I'm so glad my channels are back up and running although things are going to be a little bit different this time around. If you have any questions, requests or suggestions please don't hesitate to email me here ---> draculohrants@gmail.com

Main Channel ~ Makeup tutorials, Exiting Vlogs, and of course the odd sketch here and there.
Rants Channel ~ Regular Daily Vlogs like always, and updates on my music.
Vault Channel ~ Random footage and bloopers as usual.

Quick music update:
I'm writing music a lot now, and hopefully recording soon.
I won't be doing the crazy sketches I used to because I have my music to focus on primarily now, but I will still make Vlogs and makeup tutorials here and there to update you all.

General life update:
Most everything in my life is perfect right now, of course there is a lot of drama floating around but I prefer not to encourage it. I love you all, and I thank you so much for your recent support. It means a lot to me.

<3             <3           <3          <3           <3         <3        <3         <3           <3           <3          <3         <3

Today I Am Sleeping

Today I sat at home writing up my ressume..
So many people have been asking why I need to get a job if I'm a singer, this has been particularly depressing and I rather not get into it.
I also don't have what I need to make video's anymore so I need to find another way [imovie crashed on me it SOMETIMES works ugh..]

My friend named one of his kittens Minka [just like my kitty] which was cool.
I finally got my hamster used to me and he doesn't bite me anymore he just sleeps on my chest.
I also bathed my bunny cause he pooped on himself :/ Poor little guy.

There are tornado clouds outside and it's rather stressful and scary so I don't like that.

I still don't know where I am going in my life, I don't know where I will be in a month... it's a scary thought but when life gets pulled out from under you its hard to stand up again.

I have decided I will not be reading comments on my youtube anymore because the hate is overwhelming. Thank you to Harry & Alyssa for mod-ing my facebook and cleaning out the hatred.

I find myself being sad a lot... missing the beautiful moments, I distract myself as much as possible at night because thats when time's are the worst. During the day I find things to do, but a lot of the time I am bored.

I am living in a rather dangerous small town so I stay inside a lot.

Thank you to the people supporting me and sending me their best wishes it's really nice of you all.

I wish I could help.

I am stuck inside an unbreakable glass box.
Outside I see the one I love most kneeling on the ground screaming in pain as he holds his shattered heart in his hands.
I scratch at the glass, I kick it, I bite it, I punch it, I scream at it, and spit on it hoping something will break the barrier.... It just won't fall down, it just wont let me out.
I become desperate and try to climb to the top hoping I can reach the door in the middle of the ceiling.
I fall, and stumble.
I try to come to terms...he is hurting, you can't help...you tried.
That's not good enough, I didn't try hard enough.
I can't watch him like this.
I cry.
Let me out.

I'll always love my Zorr.

I am happy to see so many people are trying to help Greg through this.
I truly do love him and I want him to be happy.
This has all been so ugly, and if I could take it all back I would.

I have spent all day remembering the beautiful moments...the time's when nothing was wrong, everything was so very perfect... The first kiss, the first night, the first video, the first dance, the time we kissed in rain, the first night I came back from st. vincent, the time we spent as friends just kissing each other's cheek for a at least an hour before we went to sleep. The time he smooshed a perfectly good klondike bar into his cheek just to see me smile. The time I put flour and makeup all over my face just to see HIM smile. There are so many wonderful things to remember.

Some people may think I'm crazy, he may think I'm crazy. Truth is.. I wanted so badly for things to work I didn't think about how I was acting, or what I was saying.
When love runs deep, so does the pain when the person says they don't love you anymore.

He gave to me the best time of my life, and it's all that keeps me going every day.
We fought, we loved, we yelled, we loved more...and then it just came to a bitter and ugly end.
If I could just go back in time, and step away...and given him his space instead of being so scared of losing him that I clung so tight I suffocated his love for me, then I wouldn't have to cry every night clutching the little stuffed bear and little green guy he made and gave me for valentines day.

I miss everything about who we were, how we loved, and how we fought for each other.
Life is going to throw these things at us to see if we can survive and if it wasn't for him...I would not be alive right now.
He saved my life when I was left with nothing else but pain.
He was my friend when no one else would be.
He loved me when I didn't have the world to offer...just my love.
He is a good man. A good man that I hurt. A good man that deserves nothing but happiness and light.

None of our love was meaningless despite how this all went down.
I cherish every moment I had with him.
I appreciate every single second.

I as an human am not perfect.. and these are the things that open our eyes and make us realize what we had.
Greg is beautiful in so many ways.
I will love him with everything I have forever.

To Greg I am sorry from the very soul of whatever is left of me.
I wish you the best in everything you do, I believe in you, You're still my hero.

Protecting Myself

I don't know how to protect myself anymore because everything he says everyone will believe.
I have tried and tried and tried to contact him and just talk with him on a calm level and explain that it shouldn't be this ugly.
Before he called the police on me, I was talking straight from my emotions and not my mind, I was so hurt.
I have been labeled as everything bad in the book, I have been getting death threat after death threat all because he has made this situation look like I am the only one at fault.
It take's 2 to fight, the fights were never one sided, I never ever knew he would do this to me.... but I guess I should have expected it.

I'm deeply hurt by all of this, and scared.... I don't want to go through this pregnancy by myself and have the baby by myself and raise it by myself.
I am not the only wrong contributor in this whole situation.

I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to cry anymore.... I don't want to be accused of false things anymore.


Greg, please...stop trying to destroy me, I know things ended ugly in the end but your saying things about me that you don't even know are true or not.
I have so much hate coming towards me that I don't deserve.
I gave you my love, and I would have taken care of you through any situation.
Don't abandon me like this.

The Truth

I'm going to start out by saying my own life is in danger now because of all of this and so I have nothing to lose writing it.

I was the person who warned Greg about the people coming after him, No it was not canadian mafia I don't know where that came from.

The people who went after Greg were a bad crowd I got involved in when I was younger .. [I did not tell them I don't know who did] but when they found out this whole breakup went down so ugly, they went after him despite me communicating through a few people to them that I wanted them to stop.

When they wouldn't I called the police and said they were headed for the border and not to let them through, they had already gotten through so I tried everything I could to tell Greg...he finally called me back after I called and called and called....he had fled where he was staying and I was worried sick [still am]. I called him every few hours to make sure he was safe and okay.

I had to tell him about my carrying his child because I felt he deserved to know.

He said he would do what he could to take care of his baby.
I am pregnant with his child, I never lied about that.

I have stopped caring about myself and the hurt I felt from the last few days and purely focused it on his safety.

I just called a little while ago to make sure he was alright...and no answer, I left a message....

Then i saw the facebook posts.

"..I just talked to a friend... kinda made me realize a lot.

I don't know what to believe anymore... is she lying just to get me back?"

Who knows anything about this? I was the only one with information on this whole thing...my own mother didn't know I was pregnant until after I told Greg.

and this????!??

"I can't believe I fell for it this long... I'm just now realizing it was all a lie... I'm so stupid."

He has turned his phone off and does not have the guts to explain to me what is going on. My life is in danger now because these people know I ratted them out.

I do love you Greg, I am not trying to get back with you...I have been trying to help you. 

I am truly hurt.


As for me saying "I am going to ruin you" I had no intention of telling lies, just the truth...what he does not know is i have witnesses I kept on skype while he called the cops, and a little bit before that...I have people who have witnessed who he is.
I have no desire to post the whole story for the simple fact that I just want him to be safe, and I do not want to effect his career in a negative way.

Ruined

At this point in my life I can officially say I have hit my end, my limit, my point of no return.


I thought so many time's that I had been broken, that my heart had been broken.
This time it's real unfortunately.
My spirit and every bit of love for myself I had before has been ripped out of me.


I could probably say it's my own fault. My own fault for being blind and just throwing love to the wind and seeing what happens.
But at the same time when you give it all you've got it's will shattering to see it all crumble and mean nothing to anyone but you.


I have my flaws, I make my mistakes and I'm not a perfect...or easy person to deal with.
I am stubborn, and I hold an angry argument. I'm protective and moderately jealous as well.
But when I love...I give it all I have, I put my heart and soul into it and I don't let anyone tell me different, I always take care of the one I love no matter what.


I feel a sense of defeat...like I have no more left, I'm finally done.
I've been wondering when this day would come, and when I would finally just...give up, and well I have....I have given up.

Weird dog behaviour.

So my dog did something really strange last night.
She has never been aggressive and never bitten anyone.
She pee'd on our bed, and when I was cleaning it up she bit me really hard on my crotch area, she has never done anything like this before and I wasn't mean to her.
I'm really confused and saddened that she felt compelled  to bite me.
I hope she feels better soon, cause I worry about how her health is with this significant change in behavior.
A lot of people are saying that I was abusive towards her so she bit me but I wasn't I never even scolded her for peeing on the bed.
Maybe she misses her previous owners I don't know, but does anyone else know what this might have been caused from?

Regret?

A lot of people are asking me if I have any regrets about Greg.
I have absolutely no regrets, my love for Greg is still the same, that has not changed a bit.
I don't know what will happen in the future, but I know either way we will grow old together.
Someone asked me if I miss certain aspects of our relationship, obviously I do, but I'm just grateful I can see his beautiful face everyday, he glows with such a beauty and life when he smile's, it gets me through the day.
I love him very much, and I'll never leave his side.
I hope all of you realize that despite the problems we have, we still love each other.

Being Bald!!

I have found that shaving off the rest of my hair has made me deeply depressed, my female-ness feels like it has been stripped from me completely.
I look at other bald women and I think it's beautiful but on me I just feel sad.
Greg is taking me out to get a few wig's today hopefully that will help me until I feel semi stable again.
I made a stupid decision, but I guess I have a fresh start with my hair now.
I had been growing out my hair for a long time and struggling with it, now I'm like "what have I done!"
Please everyone bare with me through this, I will do what I can with it. Check out the video

The negativity.

GRRRRR I'M NEGATIVE ABOUT THE NEGATIVITY!!!

GRRR I WANNA RUN YOUR PLANT'S OVER WITH MY MONSTER TRUCK!!!

GRRRRRR I'M ANGRY ABOUT YOUR IGNORANCE!!!

GRRRRR I GOT THREATENED YET AGAIN!!!

GRRRR PEOPLE ARE CALLING ME FAT!!! [like i care]

GRRR PEOPLE CARE ENOUGH TO WRITE EXTENSIVE BLOGS AND MAKE EXTENSIVE VIDEO'S ABOUT HOW MUCH THEY HATE ME, GIVING ME AT LEAST 30 MIN. OF THIER LIFE!!! [congrat's you just promoted me idiot]

My dog's perverted and I have a concussion!!!

My luck sucks, I fell in shower for the 6th time in my life...so now I have a concussion -_-
Whatever on a different note my dog is a pervert and licks my underwear when I leave them on the floor, I keep making it clear she isn't allowed to.., but she keeps doing it. She also tries to go for my crotch and it's really disturbing.
How do I make her stop?

Oh and I just looked at all the stuff I put under my youtube video's SOOO MUCH!!! LOL.

Draculoh Channels:

http://youtube.com/draculoh [Comedy Sketches and more]

http://youtube.com/draculohrants [Vlogging and Discussion]

http://youtube.com/draculohvault [Bloopers and Extra's]

Blog/Contact:

Blogspot -http://draculoh.com/blog

Facebook - http://facebook.com/draculoh

Twitter - http://twitter.com/draculoh

Contact - http://draculoh.com/contact

Email [Bussiness] - draculohrants@gmail.com

Website: http://draculoh.com

I dont' want a doctor

A very large amount of people are saying that he should have taken me to a doctor, whether I want to go to one or not.

Am I not a human anymore because I have lost parts of my memory? Do I not have rights to make my own decisions?

All this jabber about me being wrong is merely opinion.

I know I do not have a tumour because I have had this problem before, it's my body's way of surviving the stress of life. 

Doctor's have misdiagnosed me my whole life just to make money, I don't trust the health field in Canada, I sure don't trust it in America.

If I do have a tumour, then so be it....I have longer to live now then after they cut on my brain.

If I am meant to remember the last 3 year's of my life I will. My body will heal itself, If it does not then that's how it is.. I'm not scared of it.

If I'm going to die, then at least I die a happy, free and loved human being.

I'm an so happy I am with Greg because I know that when I get old, and my memory completely goes he won't just put me in a home and expect people who don't know anything about me except for my health card number to take care of me, He love's me and has proved to me he is willing to take care of me, as I will him.

And to the arrogant youtube prick who made a video about this, I'm so glad I'm with someone who is nothing like you, Back the fuck off. 

You know nothing about me, and YOU sir are the one who is a poor excuse for a human being.

Please everyone calm down, keep your negativity to yourself, I have made my decision and I stand by it.

Thank you.

Bad Memories

Unfortunately every memory coming back to me is painful, things from before being with Greg and and fights with him.
I'm a happy person and it usually takes a lot to put me into a deep depression...but I'm slowly slipping into one, I don't want tot loose myself to it.
Why is it I have to remember such heartbreaking and mind shattering things?
Why should it all bother me?
Why am I a slave to my feelings?
Is there ever a point where the bad memories just ravage and drown the good one's?
It's all just needless pain at this point and I really want it to stop.
If it wasn't for Greg this whole experience would be so much worse...Thank you Greg <3 I love you.
Thank you friend's and family for doing what you have always done for me, and be there.
And Thank you to all of my fan's for being amazing.

Memory Loss

Last night I lost 3 years of my memory.
I woke up to a strange man who I now know as Greg thinking I was being hurt, or violated.
I did not know where I was, or who he was.
The last thing I remember is talking to my ex boyfriend when I was 15 [2008]
Before Greg showed me proof that I had been with him for this long, and he wasn't here to hurt me..
I had tried to defend myself against him by picking up a heavy object and threatening to hit him with it.
That's when he showed me my passport, a Skype call with Damon who I have known for years and the date [proof of age] ,along with the tattoo on my neck [undeniable proof of my age, and love for him]
Later that night I felt close to him, like I had feelings for him, I feel love for him, that's something that I remember.
I have realised he is going to help me, and he love's me...he's a very good man.
Please do not be aggressive towards him, he did the right thing...I don't want a doctor, I just want to be around him, and slowly remember my life.

Ticking Time Bomb

I FEEL!!!!!!! Like sometimes I'm a ticking time bomb.
Waiting for someone to throw something at me that rattles me.
Then I just blow up and everyone around me gets hurt.
UGHH!, I need counselling...too many problems, too many things to
deal with, not enough mind power to handle it all.
Am I nuts? Have I lost it finally?
Headache's, Stomach Pains, Heart Problems.
Justttt a waitiiiinnn.


On another note, how's your day?
I'll be recording a main channel video today with Greg, and I think I might be going for
coffee with his mom.
Other than that I'm just bored....ugh I need a life outside of my computer LOL.
Complain complain complain complain that's me :]

Do you ever wonder why one human can affect another so heavily when love is involved?
Why every little word matters, the nice one's make you feel like your flying and the mean one's make you feel like your flesh is being ripped away from your bone's.
It's confusing and angering to know when in love we no longer have control over our feelings and emotions.
Is there ever a point where you're too in love? Too invested to have any control over yourself anymore?
It's even worse when you give up everything you own, everything you worked for, everyone you knew, every family member just to be with that person...and they still shut you out, they still leave you alone.

I Suck At Life :[

 

Upon realising that today was the first day I had EVER cleaned a toilet the loserishness flowed out of me and I became aggressively cleaning the house.
OMG!! No but really I have never cleaned a toilet before? WTF!!!
I suck at being clean but jeeze I've always had someone to clean the house and then it suddenly stopped and I realised I needed to clean it myself.
O.....M.....G! I'm pathetic.
I'm a hypocrite

Just started this

Kaii, so I suck at being consistent with making blog posts but I will learn :]

Welcome everyone to Draculoh's blog, have fun, hangout, just don't trash the place.

I will be working on my website for the next few days, until then I must clean my house water my plants, and go get INKED WITH GREG. WOO!

Peace!!! Check it out