Thursday, February 16, 2012

His forgiveness.

I posted my confession to something I am not proud of and I felt you should all know the response I got.
I'm sorry my once love. I'm sorry. It hurts, but I understand your hatred. I expected nothing less then for you to speak your mind. I appreciate your honesty towards all this. I do love you, and I will forever remember how it used to be.

From: Greg -

I loved you more than anyone I had every known. You gave me the most beautiful moments in my life... you were supposed to be my soulmate... we were supposed to be married... I invested so much into you and what did you do?

You destroyed the best & most beautiful thing I ever had with lies & cheating.

You will NEVER, EVER be forgiven.

I HATE you for what you did. You betrayed me, you betrayed love, and for that I never want to see/hear from you again. You make me sick.

Don't ever say you love me, you are cheating scum, and you don't deserve to speak the word.

We could of had everything if you just told the truth, but now all you are is my biggest, most painful mistake.

Do not write back, do not speak of me, I want nothing to do with you.

I will do all I can to forget you, you owe it to me to allow me to erase your ugly cheating/lying stain from my memory..

My Reply: - 
I promise I will never speak to you again from this day forward. 
I only want you to know that I am truly sorry, I only did what you once did, I found inspiration, something that brought light to my life and I followed it.
You were a dark and sick cancer that ate away at who I was regardless of how much I loved you, or how much you loved me. 
We were destined to fail after the first time you left me so brutally.
I am deeply sorry for the mistake I have made, and because of it I will always be alone.
Please only ever remember the good moments.... we were soulmates, that doesn't mean its meant to work the way we planned.
Be well, please....please be well. Take care of yourself for you are beautiful. Remember who you are and don't change for anyone unless it's for the better.
I love you

I'm sorry.

You know I was going to write this long blog about all the bad things that happened between me and and Greg because I'm angry and I'm hurt. I have decided I will hopefully make this my last words about it, not to ruin or bash anyone, not to spite anyone, only to tell the truth.

After Greg sent me to Canada to miscarry our child, and get better from my infection he had broken up with me numerous time's, the last time he came running to me asking me to come home, I was so hurt from losing him so many times I had gone to an old friend to talk to, I needed to be told I was okay.
Randall and I spent everyday together, I felt safe being around a friend who cared.... keep in mind we were not together... we were only friends.

Greg asked me to come back home and I said yes, I was excited to go home but I was scared only the same old thing would happen. I would get off the plane, everything would be amazing, we would have the passion back that we once had, and after a few months it would slowly fade away due to my insecurities and his inability to stop getting so angry.

What I have done is not right and I am not proud of it.

Yes, I did emotionally "cheat" on Greg, but I have never physically cheated on him, I would never.
I had full intentions of going home when he wanted me to, I was going to leave everything behind again.
Emotionally I was pulled in by being told there was nothing wrong me and that I was a beautiful person who deserved the world and nothing less, despite my flaws that I make very clear, opposed to constantly being told what was wrong with me.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy with Randall, he treats me right, and he makes me happy, but it will never be anything like what I had with my husband. I will love, and I will live, but I will never forget.

As soon as Greg left me this last time I ran to Randall, and he took me in.

This is the truth, and I am sorry.

To Greg: I wish I had acted differently, and I wish I never lied about anything, I wish we could be friends but we never can.
I want you to be happy, and I am sorry you are hurting. I am truly sorry I hurt you.
I will never forgive myself, but I hope you somehow forgive me one day.
It is not my fault, and it is not yours. We both contributed to our fall, we are both at great fault for the tragedy that was our losing each other. I still look at your pictures and cry, I still think about you, I still miss you, I still call your phone just to hear your voice, and I still love you. I may be a hypocrite and get jealous and angry when I found you have moved on, but deep down I just wish you the best. If you have, or do find someone I hope they are everything you ever wanted. If she ever hurts you, I'll kick her ass lol. :/
As much as I love you, and you know I do... we were never meant to be, and if we are, fate will take care of that.

-To this day in my life time this has been the hardest thing I have ever had to write, and it hurt greatly.
I expect the worst to come from it, and frankly I deserve it.

Tuesday, November 8, 2011

The Truth

A lot of people are saying that I used to be happy go lucky and cheerful before Greg, that I was.........different back then.

Here's the truth. The first message I sent to Greg was because the man I was with at the time was very verbally abusive and I wanted to know what I should do, so I messaged Greg.

When Greg and I started dating it was just after I had ended my 4 year relationship with my ex.

I was OKAY before my ex, I loved myself... I was happy with how I looked and how I acted, but ever since that relationship I have been scared of who I am.. I've hated the real Shiloh since that relationship.

I spent 4 years being told I wasn't good enough, yes I have changed.

Will I ever be myself again? I have no idea. I really wish Greg could know who I was before my ex, things would be a lot easier for us.

Don't let your first love ruin you, because you'll find someone you love even more than you ever imagined
and wish you never gave your soul and personality to the one before him....

I love Greg more than I have loved anyone, he will always be my one true love, I will fight for this man until I can't move anymore.

Monday, October 31, 2011

I think this says it all.

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want's to find an easy way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart, my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Thought's for my future.

When I was a little girl I always dream't of growing up, marrying a man I love with everything I have, and him loving me back the same way, having my own studio in my home and having horses on my property which conveniently sat in the middle of the mountains.

My life is coming together, my future is building itself right in front of my eyes. The man I love the most sits in front of me, the home of my dreams sits in front of me, my wedding, my horses, my music. Everything is coming together perfectly. And here I thought I would be alone and miserable for the rest of my life. My music is going the way I want it to, my relationship, my life, everything.

One thing, one outstanding thing is missing though.
Where is my family? I know they love me, I know they will always love me, but through all this drama they seem to have just vanished. I miss my family :/
It only consists of a few people but I miss them, I miss the love and support.
Have I lost them?
Please come back into my life family. I love you dearly.

As for everything else, I am truly happy in my life.
I'm engaged, I never thought I would ever get engaged HAHA >_> Highschool memories "No-one will ever like me wahhhhhhhh."
I am so ready for my future.
I am going to be getting married at my DREAM home for shit's sake. What more could I ask for?

I plan on building my own studio from the ground up, which should be quite fun.
Once it is done, I doubt anyone will hear from me for a little while, I will just huddle myself in my studio and never come out. :]

Well I'm not sure what else to say other than, thank you to my friends, family, and fans for helping me through the hard times. I appreciate everything you have done for me.

P.S. Mom & Dad: I love you guys so much... Mom - I wouldn't be the woman I am today if it wasn't for your strong influence, and teaching me to respect and love myself, I couldn't ask for a better mother, I love you.
Dad - We have had our rough patches but I know you love me more than anything in the entire world, I love you. We still need to go to dinner together, and go find smoke shisha <3

Two best parents I could ever ask for <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Plan's for my channel.

Hello everyone, I'm so glad my channels are back up and running although things are going to be a little bit different this time around. If you have any questions, requests or suggestions please don't hesitate to email me here --->

Main Channel ~ Makeup tutorials, Exiting Vlogs, and of course the odd sketch here and there.
Rants Channel ~ Regular Daily Vlogs like always, and updates on my music.
Vault Channel ~ Random footage and bloopers as usual.

Quick music update:
I'm writing music a lot now, and hopefully recording soon.
I won't be doing the crazy sketches I used to because I have my music to focus on primarily now, but I will still make Vlogs and makeup tutorials here and there to update you all.

General life update:
Most everything in my life is perfect right now, of course there is a lot of drama floating around but I prefer not to encourage it. I love you all, and I thank you so much for your recent support. It means a lot to me.

<3             <3           <3          <3           <3         <3        <3         <3           <3           <3          <3         <3

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Today I Am Sleeping

Today I sat at home writing up my ressume..
So many people have been asking why I need to get a job if I'm a singer, this has been particularly depressing and I rather not get into it.
I also don't have what I need to make video's anymore so I need to find another way [imovie crashed on me it SOMETIMES works ugh..]

My friend named one of his kittens Minka [just like my kitty] which was cool.
I finally got my hamster used to me and he doesn't bite me anymore he just sleeps on my chest.
I also bathed my bunny cause he pooped on himself :/ Poor little guy.

There are tornado clouds outside and it's rather stressful and scary so I don't like that.

I still don't know where I am going in my life, I don't know where I will be in a month... it's a scary thought but when life gets pulled out from under you its hard to stand up again.

I have decided I will not be reading comments on my youtube anymore because the hate is overwhelming. Thank you to Harry & Alyssa for mod-ing my facebook and cleaning out the hatred.

I find myself being sad a lot... missing the beautiful moments, I distract myself as much as possible at night because thats when time's are the worst. During the day I find things to do, but a lot of the time I am bored.

I am living in a rather dangerous small town so I stay inside a lot.

Thank you to the people supporting me and sending me their best wishes it's really nice of you all.