Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Today I Am Sleeping

Today I sat at home writing up my ressume..
So many people have been asking why I need to get a job if I'm a singer, this has been particularly depressing and I rather not get into it.
I also don't have what I need to make video's anymore so I need to find another way [imovie crashed on me it SOMETIMES works ugh..]

My friend named one of his kittens Minka [just like my kitty] which was cool.
I finally got my hamster used to me and he doesn't bite me anymore he just sleeps on my chest.
I also bathed my bunny cause he pooped on himself :/ Poor little guy.

There are tornado clouds outside and it's rather stressful and scary so I don't like that.

I still don't know where I am going in my life, I don't know where I will be in a month... it's a scary thought but when life gets pulled out from under you its hard to stand up again.

I have decided I will not be reading comments on my youtube anymore because the hate is overwhelming. Thank you to Harry & Alyssa for mod-ing my facebook and cleaning out the hatred.

I find myself being sad a lot... missing the beautiful moments, I distract myself as much as possible at night because thats when time's are the worst. During the day I find things to do, but a lot of the time I am bored.

I am living in a rather dangerous small town so I stay inside a lot.

Thank you to the people supporting me and sending me their best wishes it's really nice of you all.

I wish I could help.

I am stuck inside an unbreakable glass box.
Outside I see the one I love most kneeling on the ground screaming in pain as he holds his shattered heart in his hands.
I scratch at the glass, I kick it, I bite it, I punch it, I scream at it, and spit on it hoping something will break the barrier.... It just won't fall down, it just wont let me out.
I become desperate and try to climb to the top hoping I can reach the door in the middle of the ceiling.
I fall, and stumble.
I try to come to terms...he is hurting, you can't tried.
That's not good enough, I didn't try hard enough.
I can't watch him like this.
I cry.
Let me out.

Monday, July 18, 2011

I'll always love my Zorr.

I am happy to see so many people are trying to help Greg through this.
I truly do love him and I want him to be happy.
This has all been so ugly, and if I could take it all back I would.

I have spent all day remembering the beautiful moments...the time's when nothing was wrong, everything was so very perfect... The first kiss, the first night, the first video, the first dance, the time we kissed in rain, the first night I came back from st. vincent, the time we spent as friends just kissing each other's cheek for a at least an hour before we went to sleep. The time he smooshed a perfectly good klondike bar into his cheek just to see me smile. The time I put flour and makeup all over my face just to see HIM smile. There are so many wonderful things to remember.

Some people may think I'm crazy, he may think I'm crazy. Truth is.. I wanted so badly for things to work I didn't think about how I was acting, or what I was saying.
When love runs deep, so does the pain when the person says they don't love you anymore.

He gave to me the best time of my life, and it's all that keeps me going every day.
We fought, we loved, we yelled, we loved more...and then it just came to a bitter and ugly end.
If I could just go back in time, and step away...and given him his space instead of being so scared of losing him that I clung so tight I suffocated his love for me, then I wouldn't have to cry every night clutching the little stuffed bear and little green guy he made and gave me for valentines day.

I miss everything about who we were, how we loved, and how we fought for each other.
Life is going to throw these things at us to see if we can survive and if it wasn't for him...I would not be alive right now.
He saved my life when I was left with nothing else but pain.
He was my friend when no one else would be.
He loved me when I didn't have the world to offer...just my love.
He is a good man. A good man that I hurt. A good man that deserves nothing but happiness and light.

None of our love was meaningless despite how this all went down.
I cherish every moment I had with him.
I appreciate every single second.

I as an human am not perfect.. and these are the things that open our eyes and make us realize what we had.
Greg is beautiful in so many ways.
I will love him with everything I have forever.

To Greg I am sorry from the very soul of whatever is left of me.
I wish you the best in everything you do, I believe in you, You're still my hero.

Sunday, July 17, 2011

Protecting Myself

I don't know how to protect myself anymore because everything he says everyone will believe.
I have tried and tried and tried to contact him and just talk with him on a calm level and explain that it shouldn't be this ugly.
Before he called the police on me, I was talking straight from my emotions and not my mind, I was so hurt.
I have been labeled as everything bad in the book, I have been getting death threat after death threat all because he has made this situation look like I am the only one at fault.
It take's 2 to fight, the fights were never one sided, I never ever knew he would do this to me.... but I guess I should have expected it.

I'm deeply hurt by all of this, and scared.... I don't want to go through this pregnancy by myself and have the baby by myself and raise it by myself.
I am not the only wrong contributor in this whole situation.

I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to cry anymore.... I don't want to be accused of false things anymore.

Greg, please...stop trying to destroy me, I know things ended ugly in the end but your saying things about me that you don't even know are true or not.
I have so much hate coming towards me that I don't deserve.
I gave you my love, and I would have taken care of you through any situation.
Don't abandon me like this.

The Truth

I'm going to start out by saying my own life is in danger now because of all of this and so I have nothing to lose writing it.

I was the person who warned Greg about the people coming after him, No it was not canadian mafia I don't know where that came from.
The people who went after Greg were a bad crowd I got involved in when I was younger .. [I did not tell them I don't know who did] but when they found out this whole breakup went down so ugly, they went after him despite me communicating through a few people to them that I wanted them to stop.
When they wouldn't I called the police and said they were headed for the border and not to let them through, they had already gotten through so I tried everything I could to tell Greg...he finally called me back after I called and called and called....he had fled where he was staying and I was worried sick [still am]. I called him every few hours to make sure he was safe and okay.

I had to tell him about my carrying his child because I felt he deserved to know.
He said he would do what he could to take care of his baby.
I am pregnant with his child, I never lied about that.
I have stopped caring about myself and the hurt I felt from the last few days and purely focused it on his safety.
I just called a little while ago to make sure he was alright...and no answer, I left a message....
Then i saw the facebook posts.
"..I just talked to a friend... kinda made me realize a lot.

I don't know what to believe anymore... is she lying just to get me back?"

Who knows anything about this? I was the only one with information on this whole own mother didn't know I was pregnant until after I told Greg.
and this????!??

"I can't believe I fell for it this long... I'm just now realizing it was all a lie... I'm so stupid."

He has turned his phone off and does not have the guts to explain to me what is going on. My life is in danger now because these people know I ratted them out.

I do love you Greg, I am not trying to get back with you...I have been trying to help you. 
I am truly hurt.

As for me saying "I am going to ruin you" I had no intention of telling lies, just the truth...what he does not know is i have witnesses I kept on skype while he called the cops, and a little bit before that...I have people who have witnessed who he is.
I have no desire to post the whole story for the simple fact that I just want him to be safe, and I do not want to effect his career in a negative way.

Friday, July 15, 2011


At this point in my life I can officially say I have hit my end, my limit, my point of no return.

I thought so many time's that I had been broken, that my heart had been broken.
This time it's real unfortunately.
My spirit and every bit of love for myself I had before has been ripped out of me.

I could probably say it's my own fault. My own fault for being blind and just throwing love to the wind and seeing what happens.
But at the same time when you give it all you've got it's will shattering to see it all crumble and mean nothing to anyone but you.

I have my flaws, I make my mistakes and I'm not a perfect...or easy person to deal with.
I am stubborn, and I hold an angry argument. I'm protective and moderately jealous as well.
But when I love...I give it all I have, I put my heart and soul into it and I don't let anyone tell me different, I always take care of the one I love no matter what.

I feel a sense of I have no more left, I'm finally done.
I've been wondering when this day would come, and when I would finally just...give up, and well I have....I have given up.

Friday, July 8, 2011

Weird dog behaviour.

So my dog did something really strange last night.
She has never been aggressive and never bitten anyone.
She pee'd on our bed, and when I was cleaning it up she bit me really hard on my crotch area, she has never done anything like this before and I wasn't mean to her.
I'm really confused and saddened that she felt compelled  to bite me.
I hope she feels better soon, cause I worry about how her health is with this significant change in behavior.
A lot of people are saying that I was abusive towards her so she bit me but I wasn't I never even scolded her for peeing on the bed.
Maybe she misses her previous owners I don't know, but does anyone else know what this might have been caused from?

Thursday, July 7, 2011


A lot of people are asking me if I have any regrets about Greg.
I have absolutely no regrets, my love for Greg is still the same, that has not changed a bit.
I don't know what will happen in the future, but I know either way we will grow old together.
Someone asked me if I miss certain aspects of our relationship, obviously I do, but I'm just grateful I can see his beautiful face everyday, he glows with such a beauty and life when he smile's, it gets me through the day.
I love him very much, and I'll never leave his side.
I hope all of you realize that despite the problems we have, we still love each other.

Friday, July 1, 2011

Being Bald!!

I have found that shaving off the rest of my hair has made me deeply depressed, my female-ness feels like it has been stripped from me completely.
I look at other bald women and I think it's beautiful but on me I just feel sad.
Greg is taking me out to get a few wig's today hopefully that will help me until I feel semi stable again.
I made a stupid decision, but I guess I have a fresh start with my hair now.
I had been growing out my hair for a long time and struggling with it, now I'm like "what have I done!"
Please everyone bare with me through this, I will do what I can with it. Check out the video